1.) Get a video of kids doing Karaoke. (Aidan - Scooby Doo, Addison - Twinkle, Twinkle...)
Also - you'll notice on the bottom of each blog entry, I'm going to try my latest "accountability" dieting tactic. Since I'm too cheap for Weight Watchers, I hate Jenny Craig food, and I just don't have any workout buddies, I figure this is the way to go. My goal is to feel confident again by summer.
For many years of my life, I was an athlete. And for a while, I was a pretty darn good athlete. I was strong, fast, and confident. I loved to win. I reveled in the feel of my legs pumping up mountains with my teammates flying along with me. for years, I would spend a large chunk of time everyday being sweaty, muddy, and exhilarated.
And then I got injured, started student teaching, and graduated all around the same time...And I became a normal person.
And to deal with that, I had to decide if being some major athlete was really all that important to me now that I was no longer on a high school or college team. And the answer was, simply, NO. I didn't have to always be striving for some physical goal, some major event, or even to please a coach. And it felt so good to walk around without being in pain, without limping, and without feeling the effects of constant and overwhelming muscular punishment. (with asthma and flat feet, I really wasn't born to be a runner. I was of the self-made variety.) I mourned the loss of my sport, but I felt a blooming sense of relief. I no longer had to impress anyone.
Now, however, I need to impress myself. When I was pregnant, I gained a lot of weight. And even though I breastfed my daughter, the weight didn't come off like I thought it would. For the first couple of months, I started to diet and walk every day. It was a true effort that was very hard for me and my mangled body. (Addison wasn't easy on me while she was being born.) And with a colicky baby, I was on the verge of physical and emotional breakdown most days.
When I finally started to lose weight, I noticed that Addison wasn't gaining weight. My big baby was suddenly going down in percentiles. My doctor told me my diet shouldn't be a problem, but Addison still wasn't growing when we checked a week later and he was starting to get concerned.
With a sense of fear for my baby, and with a growing feeling of defeat, I opened the fridge and started knocking back the carbs and proteins. Addison gained a pound a week and was quickly pleasing the doctor with her thriving and happy appearance.
I gained the weight I had lost. I felt hopeless and resigned to my new body, but Addison was more important and I had resolved to breastfeed as long as I could.
Now that she is 21 months old, I am still stuck with the body. I want it GONE by this summer. (see the tracker at the bottom of the screen.) I don't need to win any races, conquer any mountains - but I DO want to feel ok about who I am and make it so that my weight isn't one of the foremost things on my mind anymore. I've been letting my body limit me.
30 minutes elliptical
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Labels: momma stuff