I'm one of those moms who doesn't believe in overly managing my kids' schedules with activities and structure. Let kids be kids, ehh? They can make blanket forts, use their imaginations, and think the backyard is as good a playground as any.
But, there's a catch. I REALLY believe in sports. And I REALLY believe in sports for girls. I'm a teacher and I can SEE everyday what confidence and strength can do for teenage girls. So, in an effort to start the slow mindwashing of my youngest, I signed her up for soccer. You must admit, dance just wasn't her thing. So, I sucked it up and paid the price, we arrived a half hour early to scope out the location, and my heart giggled when I saw my little girly girl get in the game. I envision cold bleachers, spirit sweatshirts, and coolers of healthy treats in my future.....
So much of who I am and who I wish to be was dependent on circumstances that I couldn't always control.
So much of my self worth, inspiration, and drive came from a steady stream of powerful coaching, fabulous teachers, and spicy friends.
I was always fed great stories and was surrounded by brilliant minds and larger than life athletes. I was around people with a zest for life and an unbridled quest for adventure. I was incredibly lucky to be fed a steady diet of fire and passion in my youth. My transformation from a painfully shy childhood to a loud and satisfying coming-of-age arrived with a lot of hard work and a lot of help.
The problem came when I saw myself changing. And suddenly, in the post-college world, the steady stream of motivational videos and tales ran dry. The opportunities to make myself proud came to an abrupt end with my last great knee injury.
What did I do when I feared that those around me saw me in a different light? Well, I saw myself in a different light as well.
When I let an abusive and empty marriage to a high school boyfriend end, I was terrified at what my friends would think. So I avoided them.
When I became less of an athlete and more of a normal woman, with a normal body, I was so uncomfortable with myself that I didn't want anyone who knew me then to see me now.So I avoided them.
And since then, I've had a daily struggle in condoning who I am with what I look like and how I live. What do you do, for instance, if you felt like a butterfly that somehow got shoved back into your cocoon?
How do you live without steady doses of this?:
And I guess the answer is that you just DON'T. Even though I'm not in the habit of kicking butt on the track anymore, and even though I may appear to live a more subdued existence, I'm still the same person on the inside. The trick is to honor myself by no longer fearing that others may not see it. I'm still Rachae. I'm still on fire inside (and have the faded tattoo to prove it). I'm still full of dreams, goals, and adventure, and I love the life that I have and the path that I'm on. And if there's anything positive in this epiphany of mine, it's that I now know that maybe we're all like this. Maybe the most calm and collected looking moms are all really rock stars or rebels or mountain climbers in their hearts and they're just hoping someone comes along and notices.
I know I am.
And I know that if no one notices, I'll be just fine.
I'm going to continue my journey with a lot more looking forward and a lot less looking down. I'll find a way to be who I am with a little bit of who I was thrown in for good measure. There are still mountains to climb and races to run. I still need to feel some dirt on my feet and some wind in my hair and I definitely have a lot more bumps and bruises and adventures to experience!
I'm JUMPING off the shame wagon and don't plan on returning anytime soon.
Last week we stumbled across some $9 dollar last minute tickets to the Kiss concert on Craigslist. It was some promotional deal from a radio station. Barely believing it was a real deal, we purchased them and went to the show. We ended up with $200 seats and had a great time. We even saw and spoke to Jonathon from "The Deadliest Catch," on the Discovery Channel -the captain of the Time Bandit crab fishing boat. (You can actually see him for a second in the first video, getting his picture taken below the stage.) He was behind us in line at will call.
There were tons of explosions, fireballs, and confetti. And of course, there were men in tights and makeup flying over our heads on cables, hanging from the rafters, and tossing their sweaty 80s hair. Our dinner at a Seattle Thai restaurant actually cost us more than the tickets! Overall - a long-overdue good adult time.
I was hoping for a repeat performance... last week, Aidan prayed to Jesus to "Help me stop kissing girls."
ALSO ---- take a second to VOTE for your favorite name on the right. I'm going to be adding some new chicken ladies to my life and would like to put some good vibes and good luck on them by giving them some tough chick names. You know - names that no one would mess with. These hens need to be tough as nails, divas of the first degree, and impervious to all that is foul in their feathered world. I am a pet owner extraordinaire, but have recently suffered a loss with my first beloved chickens. These new ladies will be entering our fortified fortress tomorrow and will be living in the lap of luxury with armed guard babysitters, hand chosen from the local snipers' club, the next time we go on vacation.
P.S. - I'll cheat if you don't vote for Angelina and Oprah. I definitely think those two are "Must Haves." :)
A cold day trip to Fort Townsend to celebrate Valentines' Day together. I look smashing in my layers of winter wear.
Someone had to help Daddy fix the table...
Aidan likes to watch dorky ghost and alien documentaries with me.... :)
We cuddled up on Friday to watch "Ghost Adventures;" one of our favorites.
We went on a few "ghost hunts" with the kids in the fort tunnels. (inspired by our favorite show) Aidan had a blast, and Addison surprised us with her bravery. We caught one short little trip into the tunnels with the camera. It turns out that Ranger is the scaredy cat of the bunch. He would get really nervous every time we went into the tight tunnels and would start trembling. Since he has to protect me, though, he didn't hesistate to come along for the adventure. :)
Wednesday - 1200 calories (flu the last few days, so no workout)
Thursday - 1200 calories, 30 minutes elliptical
Friday - cheated a little
Saturday - cheated because of Valentines' day.
So, as you can see, I have trouble around holidays and special occasions.... luckily, I don't think there are any other holidays in the near future. Hopefully I can stay on the wagon. Before I cheated on my birthday, I checked the scale and saw that I was down 10 pounds total. I didn't record this weight, though, because I figured it would be depressing to mark it down and then right back up again after my birthday binging...
